


The Pretty Lies, The Ugly Truth

by InvincibleDrew



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alex is depressed, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drugs, I wrote this for my creative writing class, before hannah dies, eating disorder mention, justin tries to help, loosely based on my own experiences, smoking weed, this is kind of a mini scene between my boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-13 22:50:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14757780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InvincibleDrew/pseuds/InvincibleDrew
Summary: Alex and Justin get high at a party, and Alex accidentally reveals how bad things have been getting. How will Justin react, and will Alex let him help him?





	The Pretty Lies, The Ugly Truth

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic as an assignment for my creative writing class last semester before season 2 came out, so if anything is no longer canon compliant that's why. I kinda based this off of some of my experiences, and I used a little dialogue from the show, but I changed it around a bit to fit the story. When I originally watched season 1 of the show, I really related to Alex, so I wanted to show more of his backstory and go deeper into some of his issues, because the poor boy was obviously depressed.  
> Let me know what y'all think! I might write more of this eventually after I finish season 2, I'm not sure.  
> Warnings for: drug use, partying, cursing, depression, anxiety, eating disorder mention

Alex wasn’t the type of kid to talk about his feelings. Having a dad who was the chief of police and a mom who was never home because she was too busy saving lives made him prone to hiding his feelings. Feelings are for the weak, his dad said once, and he tried so hard not to be weak. But sometimes he couldn’t help it. Late at night, when his dad was asleep, and his mom was at work in the ER, he would lock his bedroom door and cry for hours, gut-wrenching, wet, ugly sobs. He would press his face into his pillow, trying to muffle the tell-tale signs of his weakness, hoping his dad wouldn’t hear him. He had nowhere else to turn, nobody to talk to, not since Jessica and Hannah stopped talking to him. He was basically friendless. Sure, he talked to the other kids from jazz band, but that wasn’t the same as having real friends. He spent most of his time in his room listening to music and moping. 

In part because of this, and in part because this was not his crowd, Alex was surprised to find himself at a party at Bryce’s house, surrounded by people who he barely knew, talking to Justin of all people. Justin seemed different somehow, despite being the same brand of neanderthal jock asshole as the rest of his friends, there was something about him that gave Alex the impression that he wasn’t as lame as the others. He looked like he had seen some real shit, something deeper than typical high school drama.Deep down, Alex always wished he was closer to Justin, but he was too painfully awkward and caught up in his own misery to do anything about it.

Justin was holding up a relatively one-sided conversation about basketball, which was quickly boring Alex, but he wasn’t sure how to get up and leave without seeming rude. They were briefly interrupted by someone passing a joint around, and after a few hits Justin went back to talking about basketball, and Alex went back to feeling sorry for himself, occasionally nodding to maintain the illusion that he was paying attention.

“I’m serious, man, we’re totally gonna crush the Panthers in the next game, my jumpshot has been getting so much better, they’re not gonna know what hit them,” Justin was saying, and Alex closed his eyes and let the floaty feeling that had started in his arms and legs seep over his whole body. Is this what getting high was like? It felt amazing, it was like all of his problems were moving far away from him, and he was looking at them underwater. Nothing mattered as long as he kept floating in this feeling of warmth and calm.

“Hey, Alex, are you okay?” Suddenly, Justin’s voice broke through his peaceful bubble, and his eyes opened again.

“Yeah, I’m great. It’s like, depression, who? Eating disorder, who? Chronic pain, who? Man, everything’s great, it’s just dandy,” Alex mumbled, and closed his eyes again, but Justin grabbed his arm. “What do you want, Justin? I said I’m good.”

“Are you sure? Cuz that’s some pretty heavy shit to just drop on a guy.”

“Yeah, no I’m fine, it’s just like right now everything is so far away, and I don’t have to worry about how like, my whole world feels like it’s gonna crush me, or how my brother is obviously the favorite child, and like my parents would never say it but we both know it’s true, and God, my dad can be such a dick but like, I know he’s just doing it cuz he doesn’t know how to show us he cares and our mom is never home, but like, all of that doesn’t even matter cuz I feel so good right now. Like, so good, but also kinda hungry. Do you think there’s any pizza left? Cuz I could so go for a slice. D’you want one?” Alex tried to stand up, but Justin stopped him.

“Alex, c’mon man, you’re clearly not fine. You can talk to me, you know that, right?”

“Yeah? Why would I want to talk to you? You don’t give a shit about me. It’s fine, just leave me alone. I’m used to it,” Alex tried to jerk his arm away, but Justin wouldn’t let go.

“Hey, don’t say that shit. I mean, I know I can be a dick sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. You’re my friend,” Justin said, and Alex huffed out a laugh.

“Friend? You don’t know the first thing about me, where do you get off calling me your friend? A real friend wouldn’t blow me off when he sees me in the hall, a real friend would text me back once in a while. Face it, Justin, we’re practically strangers.” Alex’s voice cracked as he spoke, and a tear fell from his eye, which he swiped at angrily. Justin shifted uncomfortably in his seat, not really knowing how to respond. It was true, they rarely spoke at school, and when they did, it was a superficial greeting or a question about a shared class.

“You wanna talk? Fine, let’s talk. What’s going on with you?” Justin asked, and Alex drew in a shuddering breath.

“Aside from being basically friendless, having really bad unexplainable chronic pain, and generally being miserable, nothing’s ‘going on’,” Alex said, and Justin had to fight to keep his expression neutral. He had no idea Alex had been feeling like this. “Not what you were expecting, huh? I’m going to the bathroom.” Alex stood up and started to leave, but Justin stopped him again. “God, Justin, are you really gonna stop me from going to the bathroom? I’ll be right back, chill out.”

Alex made his way through the party, avoiding groups of drunk people and edging past a couple making out in the hall, until he found the bathroom. Someone was blasting bass-heavy music, and when he shut the door, the sounds from the party were muffled, but he could still hear the beat of whatever song was playing. He slid down the door and buried his head in his arms, letting the tears fall freely now that nobody could see how weak he was. He cried, knowing nobody would hear him over the sounds of the party, chastising himself for letting Justin see his vulnerability, how pathetic he must have seemed. His stomach ached more than it usually did, his chest was tight with the sobs that were trying to break free from his lungs. How could he have been so stupid, telling Justin about his problems? Justin was probably telling people now, laughing about how weak, pathetic Alex had come to him, crying, about how sad his life was. He had no reason to feel like this. He had a nice house, good grades, a family that cared about him, so why was he so miserable? The tiny logical voice in his head told him that he was depressed, that all of these thoughts he’d had were because of chemical imbalances in his brain, and that having good grades or a nice house wouldn’t make his magically better, nor would they make his feelings any less valid. But the much louder, meaner voice told him that his depression made him weak, that he should be ashamed of how he felt, that nobody would ever love someone as pathetic as him, and he needed to man up and stop crying. And he believed the mean voice in his head, he truly believed he would never amount to anything if he kept acting like this. Suddenly, there was a pounding on the door of the bathroom, and he jumped.

“Alex, you still in there?” Justin’s voice came through the door over the pounding music and pulling Alex from the dark thoughts going through his mind.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I’ll be out in a sec!” Alex yelled, grimacing at how wrecked his voice sounded. He splashed some water from the sink on his face in an attempt to make it less obvious he had been crying, but he knew it was no use. Justin was waiting outside the door for him, and he was sure to notice. Slowly, he unlocked and opened the bathroom door, letting Justin take in his tear-streaked face and his rumpled shirt.

“Shit, Alex, I… I didn’t know you were having such a hard time. I’m sorry,” Justin was at a loss for words.

“You wouldn’t have known. I was trying to make everything seem like it was fine. My dad, uh, my dad doesn’t think very highly of people being emotional. Says it’s weak. He’d be so disappointed if he knew about all this. God, I’m such a mess.”

“Come on, Alex, you’re not a mess. Don’t say that,” Justin started, but Alex cut him off.

“But I am. I’m a fucking weak, pathetic loser who ruined the one good thing I ever had because I wanted people to think I was cool, but I screwed everything up. I wish I never touched that fucking list, now Jessica and Hannah hate each other and they both hate me, and nobody else even thought it was that big a deal but it was. Everything sucks and I don’t know how to fix any of it,” Alex said, and wiped at the tears that had started to fall again.

“Listen, man, I don’t know a whole lot about what you’re going through, but I swear, I’m gonna be there for you, all right? Having emotions doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. And there’s nothing wrong with that. We’ll get through this, okay? We’ll figure something out,” Justin said, and Alex smiled weakly. He was tired after everything that had happened that night, and Justin could tell. “Tell you what, wanna go find something to eat and just chill out for a while?”

“What, cuz that’s just gonna solve all my problems? Maybe I should just go,” Alex said, and pushed past Justin. He was half way down the stairs when he felt kind of dizzy, so he sat down on the steps and put his head in his hands. Justin had followed him, and sat down next to him. He didn’t know what to say, nothing he had faced before this had prepared him to comfort Alex, who he was beginning to think had some bigger issues than he was letting on, even with his outburst from earlier.

“I don’t get why you care so much, Justin, just let me go. It doesn’t matter,” Alex mumbled, and drew in a shaky breath.

“No, it does matter. I don’t know what’s going on with you but I’m scared that if I let you go, something’s gonna happen that we both regret. And I’m not gonna let that happen.”

“Jesus, Justin, I’m not gonna do anything stupid. I’m tired and I think I’m still a little high, I just want to go home and sleep it off. And yeah, I’m going through a rough patch, but I’ll be fine. This shit happens all the time, and I always get through it. I’ll be okay.”

“Fine, but promise me you’ll text me if anything’s up, okay? I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you,” Justin said.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll text you if anything bad happens. But honestly? This will probably all blow over by next week at the latest and everything will go back to normal. I’ll be fine.” Alex stood up from the steps slowly, and Justin got up with him. Alex raised an eyebrow, a silent test to see if Justin would really let him go. Justin shrugged, he knew there was nothing he could say or do at this point to make Alex stay if he really wanted to leave the party. So Alex went downstairs and made his way through the party and to the front door, and slipped out without anyone else noticing he had left. He walked home, thinking about all of the empty promises he had made to Justin, and how he had absolutely no intention of keeping them. He couldn’t keep pretending that everything would be okay, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stand it. Justin seemed like he genuinely cared for some reason, and Alex wasn’t sure if figuring out why was enough to keep him stable for long, but it was worth a shot. He’d start hanging out with the jock more often, maybe he’d make it through this. But he doubted it, and he knew felt the ever-present darkness of his inner demons looming just behind him, waiting to strike when he was most vulnerable. It was going to be tough trying to keep it together, especially after spilling his guts to Justin, but maybe he’d get lucky and Justin would be too out of it to remember their conversation. Of course, Alex was never lucky, and Justin remembered everything he said. He felt bad for being a dick to Alex, even though he hadn’t meant to. And he was going to try to make it up to him. He wasn’t sure how, but he would figure it out, starting by trying to include Alex more often. He hoped this would be the beginning of at least a decent friendship, but who knows? Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs at you, and the biggest of them all was about to hit them.

**Author's Note:**

> So that's it! Thanks for reading, please comment/leave kudos, they make me so happy! I'm not sure if I'm going to continue this fic, but I know I definitely want to write more for these characters, I love them so much.


End file.
